While reading a surf magazine recently, I came upon an interesting article titled "Battle of the Ranga's." Let's put two of Canada's most skilled ranga's - E-man Anderson and Beau Bishop - in the ring together and see who emerges victorious.

And for your benefit:

Ranga \ ran-ga \ n : from Orangutan. Someone who was born with god's greatest gift, red hair. If they're lucky they will also have freckles and very, very pale skin. Also known on the streets as a ginger or a full-blood. Keep them out of the sunlight, away from your children, and at all costs do not do anything to make them lose their temper... it doesn't take much.

Round 1: Where is the best place to hide if being chased by an ill tempered redhead?

E-man: Heaven.
Beau: I'd say somewhere near the equator. Eventually I'd have to stop for some SPF 35 and you'd be able to find a really good spot to hide.

Answer: Anywhere in the sun, but "heaven" will also be considered correct as will "the equator." (One point awarded to each competitor.)

Round 2: Which snowboard company may or may not be named after a full-blood? Hint: "I'm going to beat you like a redheaded __________."

E-man: Stepchild.
Beau: What is this a Stepchild ad? Next question.

Answer: Stepchild. (One point each.)

Round 3: Name the recently turned lesbian actress, who shows off her fire crotch whenever photographers are around, that tries to hide her ranga roots by dyeing her hair?

E-man: Lindsay Blowhand.
Beau: Oh, damn, uhm... I don't really keep up with all that Hollywood crap but didn't Drew Barrymore just come out of the closet? She's a full-blood.

Answer: Lindsay. But once again, Drew Barrymore is also a correct answer. Damn, these guys are smart. (One point each.)

Round 4: Fill in this sentence: "I was going to be that ranga's dad, but the ______________ beat me up the stairs."

E-man: Salmon.
Beau: Handsome Irish fella.

Answer: Orangutan. (Zero points awarded.)

Round 5: Fact or Fiction? Redheads may have a genetic advantage when snowboarding, as the individual is able to retain heat better due to their lighter skin pigmentation.

E-man: True.
Beau: Fact. Full-blooded means we can cope with all temperatures; I can hold it down in blizzards and in a sauna.

Answer: Fact. (One point each.)

Round 6: Arguably the richest ginger in the world, the "Flying Tomato" is often credited with popularizing this snowboarding accessory that for him is functional but for others is just fashionable.
What is a _______________?

E-man: Bandana... gang dirt.
Beau: Bandana.

Answer: Bandana. (One point each.)

Round 7: What are wannabe ranga's referred to?

E-man: Day walkers.
Beau: Confused. If you weren't blessed at birth with red hair, then don't try to be like us; it just won't work.

Answer: Wranga's. (Zero points awarded)

Round 8: Name the newly minted "holiday" popularized by the satirical animation show South Park that ironically falls during the middle of International Bullying Awareness Week?

E-man: Kick a Ginger Day. I will fuckin' kill anyone who try's to kick me, any day.
Beau: [laughs] isn't it Kick a Ginger Day? That's funny, but if anybody tries to kick me I will bury them alive, got it?

Answer: Kick a Ginger Day. (One point awarded each; one additional point awarded to each for showing off the underlying aggression beneath every full-blood.)

Round 9: Who is the world's most recognizable ranga?

E-man: Myself, of course.
Beau: As much as I don't want to say his name in this article, Shaun White. The guy is an International rock star! He's got a gold medal, he's been on all the talk shows, and he's only getting started. He's like the Tony Hawk of snowboarding, except Tony's video games were kind of sweet and Shaun's game was horrible. Regardless, he is easily the world's most recognizable ranga.

Answer: Ronald McDonald. (Zero points awarded.)

Round 10: Pick your favorite redhead and describe why. You will be scored on your selection.

E-man: Denis the Menace, because he causes so much shit.
Beau: Wilma Flintstone. I chose her because she would be the best wife. She cooks, she cleans, she keeps Fred happy, and she's a total fox. I mean that little white dress and that pearl necklace? Come on, there is no question.

Answer: Doesn't Dennis the Menace have blond hair? (One point for Beau, for his willingness to carry on the redheaded bloodline.)

The Final Tally

E-man Anderson: 7 points
Beau Bishop: 8 points

Victory goes to Beau Bishop. Pulling ahead by a slim margin in the final round, Beau proves he is the most versed on ginger culture of all sponsored Whistler-based, redheaded snowboarders. Congratulations!

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Canada's Next Top Badass
Summertime Chillin' with E-man (video)
Push.ca at the Ride Shakedown, Day 1, Day 2